I made a plan and a promise to myself to get back to consistently writing blog and all the other things that I enjoy in October. I had a plan… and then I didn’t. I didn’t because life became too hard for me. I don’t mean life was busy or complicated or even stressful. Living became hard. It was hard to wake up in the morning and equally difficult to get myself to go to sleep at night. I was crying for every reason and no reason and I found it hard to find joy in my wonderful life. I have everything I’ve ever wanted in life but I was faking my life. That’s what I mean when I say life got hard.

I am a medically diagnosed bi-polar who had prided myself on being able to get through without medication. Pro medicine for everyone who needed it, a big advocate for mental health awareness and trying to get rid of the stigma that surrounds mental illness and I was denying myself joy without realizing it until life got hard. I woke up one morning and wondered when it had gotten so hard and as my day progressed I suddenly realized it’s not supposed to be hard to live. Eating, showering, brushing your teeth, or even breathing aren’t supposed to feel hard to do. That night as I lay in bed trying not to let my awakeness keep my love awake and tried to think when the bad started but couldn’t so I decided to give myself the same opportunity to fix it as I encouraged everyone else to give themselves.

I felt like a fraud encouraging everyone else to break the stigma and embrace the help of medication while I was denying it to myself. But that’s what mental illness does to you, the negative is the only thing you can see. I wasn’t able to focus on the fact that I could break through and get better. I made the trip to my doctor and switched my plan. I started my medication and my plan flew out the window.

Ask anyone that is on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety drug and they can tell you that the only plan you can have when you start medication is to wake up and even that is iffy. I was useless to write and do my other job for over a month. I could hardly focus for a half hour TV show. My book did not get finished and released. I did not participate in NaNoWriMo 2019. I didn’t keep up with my blog. What I did do was watch life start getting not so hard. I went from crying multiple times a day, to once a day, to twice a week, and now to when appropriate and not for no reason. I broke through the fog and hard and started to enjoy my life and everything that I have.

Now three months later I’m back to my plan. My book is weeks away from completion. I’m writing and sharing my writing. I’m giving myself the best chance and hoping my story will help others give themselves the same.